


Of Mind and Body

by retrovertigo (ellameno)



Series: The Great Fire [20]
Category: Fallout 4
Genre: Alternate Canon, Asexual Character, Asexual Relationship, Canon Rewrite, Crushes, Developing Relationship, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Insecurity, Introspection, Kindred Spirits, Memories, Mind Meld, Mission Fic, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Recovery, Robot/Human Relationships, Self-Discovery, Slow Burn, Some Plot, Trauma, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-12
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2019-11-16 02:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 18,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18086117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellameno/pseuds/retrovertigo
Summary: The race to find Shaun leads our detectives into the depths of the psyche, bringing new and disquieting information to light for the case and for themselves.[Takes place during the quest "Dangerous Minds"]





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HEY! I'm so sorry for that long leave of absence, this year has been a toil on my health so far. But I'm trying to get back in the swing of things! Thanks to [seaweedredandbrown](http://archiveofourown.org/users/seaweedredandbrown/pseuds/seaweedredandbrown) for betareading and helping me out even tho they have their own life to deal with.
> 
> This one is rated M because there's some discussed subjects and concepts that come up later on, but you can trust me it'll all be fine, we're gonna get through it together pal. I'll put more specific CW's before the respective chapters.
> 
> And we're gonna do this like last time cause this is another big one! It'll likely be 4 chapters depending how I want to break up the 17k (yeah). I really hope you all like ittttt...

        Nora’s stomach was growling by the time they hit the home stretch to Goodneighbor. She was a little dried out, a tad hungover— Nothing worse than her occasional  headaches, but she couldn’t remember what happened the night before... or where the hell the gate to the city was. Her PipBoy’s tracker placed her right on top of it, but all she saw were on-ramps and apartment buildings. Luckily, Nick was a stranger to migraines and lost bearings, and soon had them back on track to the square. How would she ever manage in this world without a synth for a best friend?

        It was also fortunate that the Mayor had the apparent  _hots_ for her. Even on the rare occasions that Nick wasn’t by her side, the ornery guards prone to extortion ceased their hassle at the gate once they saw the PipBoy and Vault-Suit.

        Someone bumped Nora’s shoulder as the duo was stepping out of Kill Or Be Killed. Nora turned to them, slightly annoyed, before feeling her pockets in a panic. Nothing was missing; they’d even left her with an extra slip of paper.

        [ _Don’t call us. We’ll call you._ ]

        Nora sighed loudly. Either it was a general volunteer of the Railroad’s— or Deacon being rude as usual, breathing down her neck without the decency to say hello.

        “I was hoping they’d have something to say about the UFO,” Nick said, reading over her shoulder.

        “Me too.” She shoved it back into her pocket. “But no news is good news, right?”

        They continued their way to the Memory Den. Nora studied the faces in the crowd, searching for agents, but all her eyes met were strangers’, with an aura of unease and mistrust. More than usual, even for a town teeming with people who had no place else to go.

        “Hey folks,” said a voice full of purpose. Nora’s eyes darted over and she spotted Drummer Boy reading a newspaper. “Garbage day is around the corner.”

        “Noted,” Nora replied.

        “Remember to follow the signs and separate you recyclables,” Drummer Boy muttered.

        “Thanks,” Nora said, and he was off like a shot.

        “I ain’t up with the lingo, did that mean somethin’ to you?” Nick whispered.

        Nora rolled her shoulders. “You’ll see.” So much of Railroad code was merely about reading between the lines, something she was well versed-in through her law days of watching interview tapes where folks would twist their own words to secure the benefit of the doubt. “Just follow me.”

        Innocuous chalk markings on the brick walls lead them down into an alley filled with trash cans. Nora dug into one and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper. She looked it over and then handed it to Nick.

        [ _The doctor will see you now. Sooner is better. On ice. Let’s get weird. — Love, Dingo_ ]

        [ _PS: Bring your Toaster_ ]

        “And I suppose that means me,” Nick grumbled.

        “It’s code, don’t take it personally,” she said before nudging him.

        “Well, I know we have a job, but it’d be rude not to stop in and say hey to the mayor before we get sucked into whatever fresh hell  _Dingo’s_ got waiting for us.”

        ---

        “Ahhh, hey, sunshine.” Hancock grinned as the pair strolled into his sitting room. “Always good to see you back on  _my_ turf.” He glanced at Nick. “And you brought the ol’ ball and chain, so I guess that means it’s for business.”

        “Something like that,” Nick replied.

        The mayor gestured for his bodyguards to leave, and they closed the double doors behind them. Hancock rose from his seat, and his demeanor became more serious. “Did you hear about that big balloon that flew over?”

        “We saw it,” both detectives said, and his eyes widened in interest.

        “Hell of a thing, I bet. I was, uh. Indisposed, shall we say. Well, on the bright-side: no land war yet. They said they came in peace, so… I’ll leave that shit to the more organized types. I’m better at dealing with folks one on one and  _up close._ ” He walked towards them and a smile returned to his face. “Goddamn, I forgot how fresh and lovely a girl out of the fridge looks.”

        “Are you saying I’m pretty or just not rotten yet?”

        “What’s the difference? I kid, who am I to throw stones, ever— right, brother?” he asked the synth who replied with a shrug. Hancock turned back to Nora. “God, on a scale of 1 to 10, you’re a 20 compared to us.”

        She rolled her eyes. “Please.”

        “Ooh,” he said as he leaned in, “that a new scar?”

        Her hand moved to her mouth. “I hope not.”

        “Lemme see.” He cradled her face and examined it. “Shit, you  _are_ a badass, aren’t ya? Pretty soon you’ll look the part, right?”

        “I just bit the concrete.”

        Hancock patted her cheek.  _“Shh, shh._ No one needs to know. That’s how people like us are supposed to roll.” He raised his chin as he pulled away. “Let ‘em believe what they want to believe.”

        “In my case, that isn’t always the best course of action,” Nick said.

        “Bah, that’s right. Valentine wants to be _loved,_ not feared. Can’t relate.” He crossed his arms. “ _So._ What’s the news with you?”

        “We’re here to see Amari,” Nick said.

        “Railroad business, huh?” Hancock replied without a beat. Nora blinked and Nick froze before nodding slowly. Until now, they’d kept their affiliation to themselves. “ _Figures,”_  Hancock chuckled.

        “How’d you know?” she asked cautiously.

        “I’m the mayor. What  _don’t_ I know about my city?”

        “Well, I hope to God the same ain’t true for your brother,” Nick said.

        Hancock flicked his hand. “Guy’s a paranoid idiot asshole, he probably ‘knows’ there’s Railroad dealings in Diamond City but doesn’t ‘know’, you get me?”

        “Speaking of paranoid idiot assholes—”

        “ _Nick!”_ Nora scoffed.

        “What.”

        Her eyes darted to Hancock and then back to Nick, as if wondering whether to speak. “D’s nice, you should really get to know—”

        “I wasn’t talking about  _him,_ but hey, if your head went there—”

        “Horrible, he’s horrible,” Nora said to Hancock.

        “Nick’s the worst,” Hancock nodded.

        “I was _talking_ about the guy who bled out not twenty-four hours ago.”

        “Oh.” Nora became more severe. “I… Uh… Kellogg’s dead.”

        “Well, I’ll be damned,” Hancock said softly. “By whose hand?”

        Nora stared at the floor.

        “Hers,” Nick answered, understanding that she was still conflicted about the event.

        “And the kid?”

        “With the Institute. Confirmed it,” Nick replied.

        “How’re you doin’?” Hancock asked her.

        “I dunno yet,” Nora admitted, her brow furrowed. “I’m just trying to keep looking forward, but I’m not sure I’ve processed any of it.”

        “Well.” Hancock squeezed her shoulder. “As the Mayor and your friend, if there’s anything you need while you’re in town...  _Anything,_ even if it’s just some fun. You let me know.” He dug into his pocket. “By the way, your next meal is on me.”

        “Thank you,” Nora smiled as he placed an actual dollar bill into her hand.

        “You can pay me back later.” He chuckled. “Just kiddin’. But it’s an option, if your nobility inclines you to.”

        “I’ll have to figure something out, big spender,” Nora said, waggling the ancient dollar like it was a crisp hundred.

        “Can’t wait.” He smirked. “And my collection of pre-war hooch is always on the house if you’re drinkin’ with me,  _just so you know._ ”

        ---

        Goodneighbor’s streets were a bit more packed than usual. Nick didn’t stop by too often when it wasn’t for a case— for all he knew, this was standard for a mid-summer’s afternoon— but the way people huddled in muttered conversation made him wonder if it had more to do with the airship. Perhaps settlers living on the outskirts of Boston’s ruins were filing in, seeking information and booze and the general comfort that came from being around others in uncertain times.

        Nora however seemed unfazed, likely focused on the mission ahead; confident both in her peers, and that the Railroad would hold all the answers on how to combat those rumored-to-be fascists.

        Something far beyond the dread of the unknown was on Nick’s mind as well. Something lighter… and yet the potential reality of it made him a different sort of nervous, one that he just couldn’t place. But he  _had_ to know. He waited until she had mostly finished with her street kebab to ask the question.

        “So,” Nick started as they hid by a shaded wall. “What was that all about back there?”

        “With Hancock?”

        “Yeah. He was all over you.”

        “Physically?” she asked with skepticism. “Not any more than you and me.”

        “Well I mean, is he always at that level? When I’m  _not_ around?”

        “He’s touchy-feely but he’s not handsy, if that makes sense.”

        Nick raised an eyebrow. “I think he’d _like_ to get handsy.”

        “Oh, I’m  _sure_ he would,” Nora said with a smile before she popped a tomato into her mouth.

        Nick took a breath and then shifted his weight. “You, uh... You like him?”

        “Oh, y’know.” She shrugged one shoulder. “Doesn’t everyone?” Though Nick himself didn’t respond to that style of flirtation from anyone, the ghoul _was_ a casanova. “It’s a… light crush. Nothing serious. But I don’t think he’s  _looking_ for serious either, if you know what I mean.”

        “I’ve known John since he and his brother were snot-nosed brats running amok in my alley, so I know more than you’d ever want to. Not your usual type though.”

        Nora laughed. “Nope. I mean, it’s not the ghoul thing, just—”

        “A strong wind could knock him over,” Nick finished.

        “Exactly.” She grinned. “I like a man who can carry me bridal style and then bench-press me.”

        “He did not do that,” Nick chuckled. “Did he?”

        “Nate? Yeah. For the first bit of our relationship I wasn’t sure if he wanted to date me or just use me as exercise equipment.”

        “That’s some mixed signals,” he quipped.

        “He was hot, so I didn’t mind,” Nora laughed and then trailed off. “Was,” she repeated. “I hate saying that word… but it came easily this time.”

        “Well… it can feel awful, but it’s how the process works.”

        Nora leaned her head back against the wall. “I keep wondering if I’m ever going to be able to properly mourn him.”

        “What do you mean?”

        “Right now, I gotta keep focused on finding Shaun. After I get him back—” she continued, waving the skewer for emphasis— “I gotta focus on being a good mom and making his life the best I can. I don’t have time to break down or go off and find myself.”

        “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way to do it, hun. It’s whatever keeps the acceptance from making you crumble. And now’s not the time to think about all that, we still gotta find out what Amari’s cookin’.”

        Her shoulders drooped. “See?”

        “See what?”

        “Now’s not the time,” she lamented. “It’s just gonna be like that forever.”

        Nick scratched his cheek absentmindedly. “Guess I do see what you mean.”

        Nora let out a huff and then turned to him. “But you’re right. This _is_ more important than me feeling bad about whether I’m grieving correctly.”

        “I can’t claim to know your husband’s wishes, but we were both guys who put their lives on the line every day. And if I died and _my_ gal was off in the world without me, my main concern wouldn’t be if I’m being properly emotionally processed, but whether she’s safe and happy and fully enjoying the precious gift of life. Y’know?”

        Nora exhaled through pursed lips. “That’s nice to know. You’re right.” She kicked a crumbling brick. “And I know that’s what he was trying to get me to accept, and I had accepted it at one point, but I just…” She struggled to find the words. “Our situation had changed. We weren’t having a baby when he was off at war — When I got pregnant, it was because we thought that shit was behind us and we could just be normal. Now nothing is normal and I feel so _cheated.”_  There was palpable frustration in her tone. “Like the universe was just waiting for me to believe I could have it all before taking it away.”

        “I still think you could have it all. It’s just your ‘all’ is more subjective these days,” Nick said with confidence. “I’m sure John up there feels like he has it all, and he ain’t got two-point-five kids and a picket fence or even a face, y’know?”

        Nora laughed. “That’s a good way to look at things.” Her gaze scanned the bustling street. “I guess my problem is this question that keeps weighing on my mind... when I see couples walking hand-in-hand or when I’m in bed all alone. What happens when you found the love of your life, but now they’ve been dead for centuries?”

        “Well. I dunno, but I wish I had the answer for ya,” he said softly. “Guess we’ll have to figure that one out together.”

        Nora peered at him. “Are you looking?”

        “Huh?”

        “For... anyone.” She shrugged.

        Nick turned his head away with stiff shoulders. “I told you, I dunno if I can—”

        “I asked ‘are you looking’. Not how you feel.”

        “No,” Nick said quickly.

        Nora took another breath. “Married to your work, I remember you said that.” She fiddled with the ring on her finger. “Deacon told me doing good in the world is more fulfilling than any relationship can ever be. I don’t know if I believe that… I think friendship is a necessity.”

        “I know you think I hate him or somethin’, but that’s not it. I just don’t want you to turn into him,” Nick said.

        “I don’t think I want to either. He’s breezy and energetic, but he seems so… sad.” Nora drew her hands to her chest. “Like a guy trying to cheer up his unit before they face a firing squad. I want to help him.”

        Nick eyed her with concern. “You can’t fix people.”

        “I know. I don’t want to fix him, I just… I want him to know that life is more than just a march to death.” She slumped further against the brick. “That benevolent nihilism isn’t the only moral philosophy. Like you said; it’s a gift and we should enjoy it too.”

        “People like him can be a necessity. If he feels his gift is best used with no regard for himself, then that’s his calling, and you can’t fault him for it.” It was strange to say but… Nick could relate.

        Nora looked at her PipBoy. “Speaking of Deacon, I think I’m ready to see what he left for Amari. And why he ended it with ‘let’s get weird’.”

        “And why my presence is required to find out.”

        ---

        Doctor Amari held up the brain matter with tweezers— and a frown. “We know what it is now and you’re not going to like it.”

        “Lay it on us, doc,” Nick said.

        “It’s a cybernetic brain augmenter, attached to the hippocampus.” She placed it back on the dish. “It’s, for lack of a better term, a way to access his memories from a remote source, like we do here in the Den, but… Well, as you can see, he doesn’t actually have to be here on this mortal coil for us to use it.”

        “Why the hell would he have something like that?” Nick asked.

        “Oh, he was filled to the brim with augmentations the likes of which I’ve never seen,” Amari said with a bit of frightened awe. “I’m not a medical doctor, but from a science side of things they modified him for peak performance. Pain inhibitors, artificial joints, a mechanical arm like yours replacing bone.”

        “And he was _human?”_ Nick balked.

        “We found no evidence to suggest that he was a Gen 3.”

        “God, no wonder he gave the Railroad so much trouble,” Nora said.

        “Indeed. But as for this brain device, I assume it was insurance that any intel he may have retrieved on a mission didn’t die along with him. Perhaps we are lucky we got it first, as gruesome as it is.” She made a face of disgust. “But this in itself could hold the key to finding out the Institute’s secrets. Their location. It could change everything… For us, and you.”

        “You say ‘could’… Did you even look?” Nora asked.

        “Well, therein lies our problem. It’s Institute technology, incompatible with our more primitive pre-war hardware.”

        “So now we need to steal an Institute computer,” Nora quipped.

        “No need. You already have one.”

        The two stared at her. Nick groaned.

        “Good Lord, please don’t look at me like that,” he said to Amari.

        “Mr. Valentine, you are also a collection of digitized brainwaves and memory. You have the exact program and hardware needed to access this. That said, I cannot speak as to the side-effects and both the Railroad and I agreed it’d be immoral to force you to volunteer—”

        “I don’t exactly want that filthy low-life in my head, but…” He looked to Nora. “Whatever helps her.” His gaze snapped back to Amari. “And the Commonwealth, of course.”

        “Then please, if you’d sit here— the longer time passes, the more I fear things may degrade.”

        Amari plugged the device into the back of his head. It buzzed like a street light about to die. His eyes darted around but the women didn’t pick up on it. Then a sharp noise pierced his metaphorical eardrums and everything got white and hot— it felt like nails on a chalkboard, on metal, on his brain that didn’t exactly exist. Errors flashed in his mind:  _Unable to Read, Reboot, Corrupted, Access Denied_ —

        “Something is not working here,” Amari said.

        “Yeah, you’re tellin’ me,” Nick said between gritted teeth.

        “Nick, are you OK?” Nora asked.

        “No, I’m not OK.”

        “Amari, what’s happening to him?”

        “The data keeps coming in garbled like it’s not data at all—”

        “I’m _feelin’_ garbled, doc.” There were scrambled noises and strange impressions going through his mind’s eye. “I dunno if I should be doin’ this—”

        “Y-Yes, of course— I—”

        Everything stopped except for the ringing and the white pixelated haze, until that as well eventually made sense of itself.

        Nick pinched the bridge of his nose. “Good God, I forgot what a migraine felt like.”

        “I’m so sorry,” Amari whispered. “I thought it would work. I…” There was a pause, and her fist clenched her pant leg. “Of course, he can’t process it on his own, it isn’t a digital copy—” Amari’s gaze shot to Nora. “It needs a full brain to make sense of itself.”

        “No, I don’t want her to be a part of this,” Nick said, still in a daze.

        “It won’t be as intrusive for her— It will function more like a normal Den experience. Technically, you will just act as the proxy in which she experiences his memories.”

        Nora gaped at her. “So I’m getting hooked up to Kellogg too?”

        “This is a very unique event where we can have multiple minds converge in our Memory Loungers, piloted by an outsider.” Amari closed her eyes for a moment, and then opened them with a sharp breath. “If my theory is correct, you’ll be able to… travel through what’s complete enough to read, chronologically, like folders of information, looking from the outside inwards.” Nora continued to stare. “I’ve studied and accessed memory my entire adult life, I know this sounds far-fetched, but it’s the best way to explain it.”

        “So…” She looked at her friend. “Nick and I are going to share a mind?”

        “More like you’ll be working in tandem. If he is conscious for any of it, he won’t be seeing any of your memories, don’t worry, the signal cannot go both ways. He’ll merely be broadcasting.”

        “Not that I got things to hide but… I dunno if…” He turned to Nora tentatively.

        “I’m not going to pry into things, Nick.”

        “I don’t know if this is any comfort, but I highly doubt anything further than static interference would manifest from Nick’s memory. Like a signal bleeding through the radio. Though, I cannot guarantee Kellogg’s will be much stronger.”

        “I guess my reservations would be rooted in selfishness at this point.” His eyes met Nora’s. “I’ll do whatever it takes. Just… don’t make fun if you see what I did for the eighth grade talent show.”

        That was enough to make her worried mouth burst into a smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To everyone who reads this THANK YOU for putting up with my migraine-addled wack schedule and staying with me thru sickness and health like bless, I appreciate you.
> 
> I'm gonna be at ECCC and then time willing I'll have the next one up within a week or so. Hope your 2019 has treated you well! 
> 
> Plugging [my main blog](http://television-for-dinner.tumblr.com/tagged/fic+stuff), my [my art/fanworks blog](http://tommytonebender.tumblr.com), cryptic message about checking my side bar, etcetera. I also have a Writing Twitter that is NOT spoiler free, so follow that at your own risk.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for waiting! No warnings for this chapter, besides that it obviously has spoilers for the Dangerous Minds quest, but I figure most of you knew that going in.

        There were no footsteps as Nora walked through that endless hallway. She couldn’t feel her feet or her hands, as if she was moving through sheer willpower alone. Things flitted and glitched; the only sounds were little bits of static and words that could not be deciphered.

        Amari was guiding her through the intact memories: Nora saw Kellogg as a child, his cynical parents, the Golden Gate bridge crackling in and out like a mirage. Everything was akin to a play being performed in front of her. Sometimes she heard him muse upon the scenes, like he was looking back on it too. Perhaps his life had flashed before his eyes during his last moments on earth, and only existed now as a memoir playing posthumously for a friend… or his investigating killer.

        Nora lingered for a while in one memory, where she saw him gaze at a pregnant woman like she was the sun and he was humble at her feet.

        _It was going to be perfect. We were all gonna be perfect, for once,_ Kellogg’s voice from beyond remarked.

        Amari’s returned. “I’ve found something else, shall we move on?”

        “Yeah…” Nora said, the relatability of Kellogg’s sentiment ruffling her.

        She turned to continue down that pathway, but as she did a flash of a person blocked her path, somewhat distorted— A sturdy woman wearing a medical uniform, hair pulled back into a tight bun. It grew in intensity and Nora saw her thin lips smile as she continued applying blush in a nonexistent mirror.

        “— it’s bad luck!” the woman said, her southern drawl warped like a damaged pull-toy. “I’ll only look at the sale rack, I promise.”

        Nora watched in awe as she faded out into static.

        “Is something wrong?” Amari asked.

        “This one was  _really_  garbled.”

        “But you haven’t made it to the next one.”

        “Oh.” Nora continued forward. “Maybe they’re bleeding together.”

        Amari sighed. “I was hoping they’d all be as intact as the previous few.”

        Something clearer finally faded into view, and soon Nora moved through memories of Kellogg cradling a child in his arms. A daughter.

        _The world would be better. We were gonna make it better. For our baby._

        The distorted woman appeared again right in the middle of the memory, but this time her hair curtained onto her shoulders. “You are such a big baby!” she laughed, her bright eyes crinkling. Nora heard what sounded like a carnival, complete with the telltale rumble and screams of a roller coaster. It fizzled out.

        What the hell was going on?

        “They’re getting jumbled again,” Nora said, tearing her gaze from her husband’s killer, who was now singing lullabies so soft Nora could hardly believe it was the same man. “Hey Amari, are there any functioning amusement parks in the wasteland?”

        “Oh. I’m not versed in such things, but there was a trading hub in something called Nuka-World?” Amari replied. Nora chuckled to herself, tickled that the place was still standing in some way. “I’d love to chat about such casual things, but we need to move on…”

        “Yeah.” Nora gave a phantom nod. “I highly doubt that the ruthless killer who’s been tormenting you for decades is a dedicated family man off the clock.”

        “It’s funny you say that, these memories… they appear to be so old… they’re far far back in the order of things…”

        “Maybe the damage is messing with your readings.”

        “Perhaps. I’ve found some more, so keep moving until you find something of note.”

        The next few rattled like a broken projector, things off kilter, doubled, some akin to Escher paintings of impossible geometry. Then she came back into that place with the crib, where once stood the radiant woman. Now both were absent, but Kellogg remained. He was pacing the room, muttering to himself, twisting a baby blanket in his hands.

        _They’re gone, they’re dead. I would never see them again. All because I got soft—_

        Nora sped up, not wanting to drown in the memories of a bereft spouse and parent, emotions she found it far too easy to empathize with despite her hate for him.

        They slogged through more fuzzy scenes. Kills. Ransoms. Screaming from somewhere unknown and then a crash like a thrown vase. A woman was berating someone, blaming them in agony.

        Finally Nora saw something relevant to her plight: the Institute, approaching Kellogg with a deal after they’d failed to take him out; the moment he went from a petty hitman to the glorified lap dog of the boogeymen.

        “Accounting for our history with him, we still have at least two decades to go,” Amari said.

        “I don’t understand… if he’s just joining up now…” Nora crossed in front of the desk to examine him. “He looks exactly the same age.”

        “It must have been a result of his cybernetics.” Amari sighed again. “Which, I realize, means I have no inkling how much longer these memories go on for.”

        “Well, all I have to do is find the location of the Institute, right? He had to have gone there within the last twenty years.”

        “These damaged memories will get you nowhere. When the next stronger one manifests, go directly towards it.”

        Nora obeyed, racing through some battle scenes that made her instinctually flinch. Soon she wound up in a stark white room. Kellogg seemed a little worse for wear, his arm in a sling as he argued with a terse gray-haired woman sporting a pristine lab coat.

        _She said it needed to be unspoiled. Well, I needed a new arm first. They’d already invested in me, so they couldn’t really say no._

        “Institute again,” Nora whispered. “He must be inside.”

        “But how did he get here, did you see anything?”

        Nora looked back at the haze of glitching data. “He broke his arm I think… and then he was there.”

        “He must’ve passed out. Keep going. _Ah._ ” Amari paused. “Yes, we’re getting something strong here, I believe we’re reaching intact tissue.”

        Nora bounded into the memory that swung open to her like a door. A fog-like aura wisped through the dark room, catching whatever ambient illumination it could find— Then a light stuttered on, illuminating rows and rows of—

        _Oh._

        Nora knew exactly which cryopod to walk to. It’d been her bed for two whole centuries.

        Here she was. Pristine. Unaware. There was something horribly captivating about being outside her body like this, experiencing herself the way someone else had seen her.

        “— _Line them right up here_ —” another woman’s voice crackled. Nora spun around but saw not even static to explain the sound.

        However, she saw something else.

        Nate. Also asleep. His features differed than how she’d pictured him in her head during these long trying months, and those heavenly dreams. Then again, it’d been several months since she’d seen him alive— far longer than that, if you counted the _eons_ she spent unconscious. And Shaun was still in his arms, just how she’d dressed him that day, wrapped in his rocket ship blanket, though ice now coated his delicate lashes. The infant’s brow rested with worry even in stasis, as if he’d been plagued by centuries of nightmares. Emotion built in Nora’s throat and she wanted nothing more than to comfort her child— to pry the chamber door open and hold her family in her arms again.

        Voices echoed to her right, casting their shadows into the room.

        “Oh no,” Amari said, “This is…”

        Nora’s stomach twisted with sickness, and she tried to cover her eyes, but being wired into Kellogg’s memories left her with no corporeal form. She rushed to the corridor ahead to move on to the next memory, but it was like trying to pass through an invisible wall. She couldn’t travel any further no matter how hard she strained.

        The seal of the cryopod unlocked and Nora began to panic, dreading the inevitable. “Please, Amari, please get me out of here.”

        “I’m trying to find a memory— I’ve be scanning for…” There was a commotion behind Nora. “I think there’s damage—”

        Shaun began crying and Nora felt her own tears on her face. “Please, I don’t want to do this again—” Muffled screaming erupted; her own, in the memory. “How could he do this to me?” Nora shouted in a futile attempt to drown out the sound.

        She heard the gun. And then her past-self’s sobs trailing off as she fell back asleep in her cryogenic prison. Then there was nothing but her own shallow wet gasps and the pound of her heart in her ears.

        But soon that horrible voice returned.

        _I was cocky enough to assume I could handle Mrs Chavez-Zian — whatever the hell Vault Girl was callin’ herself back then, even if she somehow got thawed out._ _Biggest mistake I ever made. If she could take me out, they won’t be able to hide from her for long._

        Nora took a sharp breath and remembered why she was here to begin with. She would prove the dirty bastard right.

        “I’m sorry,” Amari said.

        “It’s OK,” Nora replied, trying to center herself through her breathing.

        “I— I’ve found a memory, just keep moving.”

        Nora felt faint, like she would fall with the next step, but technically she was already lying in the lounger. At least she didn’t have to watch Nate die again... but she had sure as hell heard every bit of it.

        _Keep it together,_ she told herself. It’d be a faux pas to vomit in Irma’s lounger. And adding insult to injury to herself.

        Still, she was reeling from the senselessness of it all. They wanted a pre-war infant for something, but wouldn’t it be easier to wake a frightened family from their slumber through a message of peace? Any survivor would’ve leapt at an opportunity to live in a technologically advanced compound, away from the ruined wastes. Was the Institute disgustingly callous to the point where they had no concept of diplomacy?

        “None of this had to be this way,” Nora said to the void. “You just didn’t try.”

        As soon as she moved forward, another flickering image appeared.

        “Well I’m sorry, Valentine, but you can’t hold what happened against us!” barked an angry man. “Laws are laws!”

        Nora walked through him, shocked out of her emotional stupor. It was definitive now: Nick’s memories _were_ falling through the gaps.

        His sign flickered on in the darkness ahead of her, clear as day. Nora wondered if this was another bleed, but then she witnessed Kellogg creeping past it.

        _I should’ve known if you’re a pretty little thing with a good enough sob story, every door opens up to you. And Valentine; he thinks he’s so noble. But no one is a busy bee pro bono unless he’s hoping for a bit of honey._

        “Fuck you, Kellogg,” Nora whispered as she followed him up the metal stadium steps to his domicile. He jiggled the key in the door, and when it swung open for the briefest moment Nora met brown eyes that were shockingly familiar.

        The door slammed and everything faded away again.

        “There is still so much damaged data, I cannot even tell how far ahead this memory is from the last,” Amari said.

        “I’ll have to ask Nick what year he installed his ‘eyesore’ of a sign,” Nora quipped, though she was still recovering from the eyes, peering from across the room yet striking all the same. Like they could see her.

        She wandered on through bland, inconsequential things, frustratingly clear despite their content. Even Amari’s morale would rise and then fall just as quick.

        But then she stepped back into that office in Fort Hagen’s bunker. That room was still furnished with a child-sized bed and rocket ship sheets, but now it was also piled with amateur science books on nearly every surface. And there was a boy, back towards her with a dark mop of messy hair. About the height Ellie had described living in Diamond City with Kellogg, assumed to be his son or nephew at the time. No where in his memories did Nora see who the kid was or where Kellogg even found him. He was likely another kidnapping, maybe even a ransom.

        Kellogg walked through her towards the child. “Hey. I found you another one.” He dropped a book on the table. “Don’t fucking take apart my transmitter again though.”

        “I put it back the way I found it,” the child replied, without a hint of vexation or fear.

        “If you stop destroying my shit, I’ll buy you a radio or something for the holidays.” Kellogg’s voice also carried a fond tone. “You can break it to your heart’s content.”

        The boy took the book and sat on the floor on the other side of the bed. The hologram woman appeared once more, cutting halfway through a desk and facing away from Nora.

        “—mer wedding but I’m thinkin’ winter. ‘Cause it’s cheaper.... No!” She laughed, reacting to a person who wasn’t there. “Not Valentine’s day— though mama sai—”

        She vanished like someone had clicked off a television.

        “Jenny?” Nora asked.

        “Jenny?” Amari repeated. “Did you see her?”

        “Uh. Maybe...”

        Nick had never described her, not even mentioning her favorite color or food or really any memories he had associated with her— other than his commiseration of loss. Nora had always found it strange. She enjoyed telling people about Nate, her love, her everything. But then again, this was all new for her and Nick had decades of grief behind him. Grief he never even fully felt entitled to.

        “Are you ready to move on?” Amari asked and Nora realized that all the figures were frozen in place, as if animatronics had broken down.

        “Yeah I’m just…” Nora took a step towards the boy. “I’m wondering what the deal with this kid is—”

        The room abruptly reset, the figures disappearing as the piles shifted to other parts of the room. Nora turned around to try to find them and yelped as she drew back from the approaching form. The man moved without sound, like a living shadow right down to his skin, clad in black leather and even darker sunglasses, and was nearly on top of her before she remembered that he wasn’t there at all. He passed through, and Nora spun to look at this stranger.

        “You were supposed to keep him easily accessible, and you couldn’t even do that right,” the man said. His voice was so measured, like syrup pouring over ice. Nora knew in her gut that he was one of those ‘Coursers’ the Railroad talked about. High-ranking Gen 3 synths programmed to do everything Kellogg had been hired for, but without emotions or remorse or even a nervous blink of an eye. “Our synth escort was meant to lead the two of you safely across the wasteland so you could lie low until we collected him. Instead, you rambled around like it was a field trip.” He studied a handwritten journal on the desk.

        “Well, you-know-who and her coin-operated toy showed up at your little ‘safe house’ after ransacking my place,” Kellogg growled from a chair across the room. The boy sat at his feet, nose once again buried in a tome the size of a law book. “Couldn’t go home. Couldn’t stay put. We wouldn’t want a family reunion, would we?”

        “And you didn’t think our assassins were adequate protection... from one meek human?”

        “I don’t think they were meant to be. In fact, I think you put us up as next-door neighbors to the dick for a reason. We were bait, weren’t we?”

        The Courser whipped around in a way that felt even more mechanical than Nick. “Are you suggesting that Father would put everything he’s worked for at risk?” Again, his tone was silken.

        “Seemed like a bad plan to begin with,” Kellogg said, unfazed by the emotionless chiseled face and imposing demeanor. “If they wanted an effective escort, they would’ve sent a Courser like you. Less attention. You know as well as I do word gets back to the Railroad whenever there’s chrome-domes stompin’ about.”

        “I nor my brethren could be spared. We reclaim property, we eliminate marks. We’re here to make tactical judgement calls of the greatest efficiency. In and out, as Father says. Not function as a glorified caravan, wading through the filth you call a Commonwealth.”

        “Right, ‘judgement calls’. When I got _her_ after me,” Kellogg said and Nora’s attention snapped to him. “You know, I heard whispers that your old man wants to meet her. Have the Institute collect the whole mint-condition set.” He leaned back in his seat with a casual groan. “If so, seems irresponsible to just let her die in our own crossfire. Gen 2’s can’t make tactical judgement calls about that, they just shoot at anything that moves ‘cause they’re dumb as shit.”

        “Watch your language in front of the boy.”

        “He’s heard worse from me.”

        “At this point I’d say your behavior and reckless disregard may have compromised Father’s experiment entirely.”

        “Let’s stop pretending that this was all about seeing how well the kid could ‘assimilate’ outside.”

        “But did I do OK?” the boy asked.

        “You did great, Shaun,” Kellogg replied without a beat.

        “Shaun?” Nora gasped and rushed towards him as the two men continued to converse. He’d grown up so much— He had to be nine or ten at this point. Those eyes she recognized, they were Nate’s—  _their baby had his father’s eyes._ She wanted desperately to see that face, but couldn’t move the book away because he was just a memory. He wasn’t there, and she had no form to hold him with, even just to pretend like he was.

        “Stay focused,” Amari said gently.

        “Now that I’ve tracked you down, it’s only a matter of time before the synth-stealing hounds sniff you out too.” The Courser walked towards him and took a file from his long coat. “That said, your new orders will have you on your way, regardless. Burn after reading, as always.”

        Kellogg flipped through it. “The Glowing Sea? Is this his way of finally putting me out to pasture?”

        “One of our leading scientists has gone rogue. Brian Virgil. Last working on some of our more delicate top secret projects. No inkling why he’d leave, except to maybe sell it.”

        “Why me? Why not send a pack of Gen 1’s into the Sea?”

        “Because they require orders, Kellogg, you know this. Besides, if anyone can find a crook… it’s a crook.” For the first time, Nora heard some true venom in the man’s voice. “Your best bet is to check the deepest point of the crater.” Kellogg scoffed. “There is reason to believe he may seek protection from the cult.”

        “If I turn into a ghoul out there, I’m going to have some _real_ words for you and your daddy, ones you definitely won’t want the kid to hear.”

        “If Virgil can survive out there, so can you. He has no augmentations to speak of.” His head jerked slightly almost like a bird’s as he turned to Shaun. “I’m making a judgement call; it’s time for him to return home.”

        “Funny, I had no idea you had the programming to act without orders.”

        “Oh, but I do have orders. And it’s to ascertain his safety. Now that your mission leads you far into inhospitable terrain, there’s really no use for him to stay in your care a second longer.”

        Shaun looked up, and he was perfect in every way. Though he lacked the color of his parents, Nora still saw her young face in his, and a man who could grow up to be so much like Nathan. “You’re taking me home to my father?” he chirped.

        “Father?” Nora echoed, her heart breaking just as fast as it had healed.

        “Yes,” the Courser replied as if addressing her too. “Come over here, take my hand.”

        Shaun instead stared at the man who had stolen him, and Nora wondered if her child knew any circumstances behind his new life.

        “Go on, I bet they all miss you,” Kellogg said softly.

        “Can I bring my book? And my radio?” Shaun asked the Courser. “It was a Christmas gift.”

        “I don’t know what that means, but as long as it’s small enough to carry,” the Courser said flatly, and Shaun grabbed it quickly off the table. Nora wasn’t sure where his pack was, and certainly the imposing Courser could carry a child’s belongings.

        “OK, I’m ready,” Shaun said with excitement, with his book in arm and radio clipped to his jeans. “I can’t wait to tell father about all the things I saw out here.”

        “Mmn,” the Courser replied with feigned interest, before turning to Kellogg. “We’ll contact you again once you track down Virgil.”

        “OK, but my arm—”

        “He got hurt,” Shaun said, looking up at the Courser. “He said it won’t heal until you guys help.”

        “We’ll send someone later. Now take my _hand_ ,” he insisted. “We’ve wasted enough time here.” He pressed something on his sunglasses. “X6-88, ready to Relay with Shaun.”

        “Bye, Mr. Kellogg!” Shaun said, a big smile on his cherubic face. “I hope you feel better soon! Come visit me sometime when you do!”

        Bright light surrounded them, like they were a bulb with a power surge. And then they vanished. Had the memory finally fizzled out?

        “Bye,” Kellogg whispered, like it was his last breath.

        Nora whipped around quickly, and he continued staring at the floor. Her eyes welled up as she thought of her son’s face and how much light was in him when talking to this disgusting man. It proved one thing for certain; Shaun had remained unspoiled by this world.

        “Thank you,” Nora whispered to Kellogg, who was now flipping through the file. “Thank you for being kind to my Shaun… even though you couldn’t spare it for me or anyone else.”

        “I…” Amari’s voice started, “I think you’ve found what you were looking for.”

        “Yeah.” Nora sniffed. “And more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a lot of fun writing this chapter to blend the canon quest bits back in with the altered timeline I'd created within this fic. I tried to give it more depth by having the protag experience what it's like for Nick when he has his own past-memories triggered. (Also I got to explore my weird fondness for X6-88 lol) I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> Next bit will be up sooner than before because I want to get it out before I go on a short trip. Thanks again everyone <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter chapter setting up for the second part! (Yes there were two parts originally but I realized they were gonna be too huge). I decided to keep Nick's aftermath separate because it's different tonally than Nora's memory den experience.
> 
> **CW:** For the concepts of both drug use and sex

        “How do you feel, Mr. Valentine?” Amari asked as the room stuttered into view. Gone were the strange fuzzy tunnels of blue-hued static and the shady characters within them.

        “Like I watched the worst student film I ever saw,” Nick replied. Amari frowned. “Oh, you meant as in side-effects? Little bit of a headache, like the equilibrium I don’t got is spinnin’, but otherwise I think I’m OK.”

        “Well, then we have no further need for this.” She tossed the brain tissue unceremoniously in a waste bin.

        “Harsh, but well deserved,” Nick said, sitting as upright as possible in the reclining seat.

        “Other than those mnemonic echoes of data that are still working themselves out, you should be fine.” Amari watched him attentively, like any doctor with a patient rousing from a procedure. “ _But,_ if your time allows it, I think you should stay in the city for the night. In case there are side effects for either of you.”

        Nick stood and rotated his shoulders instinctively. “And by that you meant if my program crashes she won’t have to haul me back here?”

        Amari gave a tired laugh.

        Nora was stirring in the lounger, trying to push her way out of it. Nick assisted her, as she struggled to stand. Her cheeks were deep red and her locks stuck to them like she’d been exerting herself for hours. Before he could ask if she was alright, she grabbed his shirt and rested her head against him.

        “Shaun, Nick, I saw Shaun,” she said, trying to keep her emotions in check.

        “I know, I saw him too.”

        Nora looked up at him. “You did?”

        “Yeah,” he said softly. _As well as everything else._ “He seems sweet, must take after his ma.”

        She chuckled and wiped her eyes. “He said something…” Her smile wavered. “Something about having a father, I…”

        “You’re worried he bonded with another family?” Amari asked.

        Nora swallowed. “My law office took on custody battles, kids kidnapped from one parent by the other. They often ruled in favor of who the child knew best to prevent emotional trauma.”

        “Oh, I dunno if now’s the time to think about that, hun,” Nick replied.

        “I don’t even know what to think about anymore.” She sniffled. “I feel like the earth shifted under my feet. But I’m really glad he’s OK. Kind and friendly, like Nate—” Her eyes squeezed shut. “And Kellogg was so… He was hurting so much inside. I can’t imagine living with parents like that— his _mother_... the way she skewed his mind… makes me glad mine wasn’t around. And he lost his spouse and baby too, I…” she trailed off. “I’d made up in my mind that he was just some monster, but—”

        “He also mentioned he’d killed kids before. Feelin’ bad about doin’ it should be enough to stop you,” Nick interjected. “The evilest men can have soft spots for their own kin. And just ‘cause bad things happen to us doesn’t mean we stop being good people. He was faced with many choices and he made the wrong ones, remorselessly. It’s no excuse.”

        “But…” Nora still appeared genuinely concerned, but Nick had no compassion to spare for the man who was responsible for her nightly tears.

        “Everyone out here has pain. In fact, he should’ve known better than to pry apart parent and child. Takes a real sadist to repeat the cycle of abuse. Good riddance, if you ask me.”

        Nora lolled her head in thought. “Well… Maybe I’m just grateful that he didn’t show any of his darkness to my boy, especially after he was raised so poorly. My mind is trying to justify all of it.”

        “That’s understandable,” Amari said.

        Nick drew a breath and nodded. “I admire your empathy kiddo, just… make sure it’s deserved.”

        “I don’t want to think about him anymore.” Nora sighed. “I wanted it to end with that bullet.”

        “After the trash is incinerated, there will be nothing left of him on this earth.” Amari said. “Cast those memories of his life into the fire along with him.”

        “What now, then?” Nora asked her.

        “I’ll have my rendezvous with the messenger boy. And as per your stated wishes, I too believe it’s best you don’t trouble yourself with a dead man’s affairs. Take a well-earned break… When you’re needed, you will be found.”

        “I think that’s a fine idea, doc,” Nick said. “Kid’s been through hell twice in so many days.” He turned to her and tidied her disheveled fringe. “Let’s see if Hancock’s got a vacancy on his sofa, and if he’s up for that open bar he promised.”

        ---

        They found the mayor smoking on the balcony, watching the sky while his fingers tapped on the railing, as if anticipating another armada to emerge from the cloud cover. But once he turned around, his air was as casual as could be.

        “Oh, so you’re back. Is it gauche to hope you’re stayin’ the night?”

        “Doctors orders,” Nick said.

        “Yeah. It’s been... a lot,” Nora added.

        “You good?” Hancock asked.

        She gave a small smile. “I’m good.”

        “Rumor has it you’ve been getting into all kinds of wild shit.” Hancock grinned. “How ‘bout I pour you a few drinks and you tell me all about these crazy adventures you’ve been having?”

        “ _Oh,_ well, I—” Nora looked to Nick.

        “Nicky, of course, you’re invited too. I’m not _that_ gauche.”

        “No, I...” Nick remembered what Nora said about her ‘light crush’. After so many ordeals, perhaps her mental health just needed to get some flirtation out of her system. After all, isn’t that what they had done on that first night? “You two should catch up.”

        “Really?” they asked in unison.

        Nick wasn’t expecting such astonishment. “Yeah. I mean, when’s the last chance you two got to have time alone?”

        “Never,” Nora said quickly.

        “Well, there ya go.” Nick gave an awkward chuckle. It was the right thing to do. “Besides, y’know... I actually have some old clients I should check up on. You kids have some fun.”

        Nora flashed him an impressed look. Nick did keep her on a tight leash, but damn there weren’t any hot-blooded rogues he trusted more than John Hancock.

        “Alright, then if Nicky doesn’t object…” Hancock offered up his arm. “Let’s kick it, sis.”

        ---

        “You’re not going to rust this way, are you?” Belinda worried as she handed Nick another plate from the plastic bucket.

        “Just by drying dishes?” Nick asked. “No, no. Summer humidity is much scarier to me than household chores.”

        She laughed. “If you enjoy them so much, I… That is, I know we’ve already been recipients of your charity before but—”

        “It’s the roof, isn’t it?” Nick stated.

        “How’d ya know?” Belinda replied flatly. They both stared up at the light streaming through the holes in the sheet metal. “I haven’t been climbing any ladders since I lost my foot, and Lau’s arm still hasn’t healed right— I really don’t want him up there.”

        “Sure, I’ll see if Daisy will allow me to borrow a toolkit.” He looked around. “Seems like that wall’s got wood rot too.”

        “Oh, we can’t afford to replace _a wall_ right now. When it goes, it goes, y’know?”

        _God, this is sad, isn’t it? This hovel being as good as it gets? What kind of tragedy has to happen for a lean-to in Goodneighbor to be a piece of the pie?_

        Nick frowned. It was a harsh thought. “Hey, can I treat your kids to candy apples for dessert too?”

        Belinda smiled up at him. “Yani _is_ trying to lose his first baby tooth.”

        By the end of the night, the kids were still wary of him, though fixing a roof and bearing caramel-coated gifts had helped. They were not old enough to remember when he saved their mother, back when she had gotten swept up with the Children of Atom— those whackos who worshiped the bomb, radiation and all.

        Would Nora actually have to brave that deadly Sea for their next lead?

        Nick wandered the streets until the nervous glances made him reconsider. This was not his home, nor did he have Nora's brightness to attest he was not something from the shadows.

        He took a drag and gazed up at the Old State House. He couldn’t see Mayor Hancock’s window from here, couldn’t tell if the lights were still on and the party was still raring. His mind went back and forth, conflicted about not being there. Not to be possessive but, he just felt better when he could see her.

        But God, _give the woman a break, Nick_ — something like him wasn’t the most invigorating thing to subject oneself to. Not every waking minute, that’s for sure. Nora was allowed to have her fun, especially after everything she had gone through today. Poor gal.

        _They’re getting drunk._

        Well, he was used to Nora’s boozing.

        _They’re getting high._

        If she was with Hancock, it was the safest place to do chems.

        _They’re going to—_

        She was a grown woman. An adult.

        _And what does that make you?_

        … Nick didn’t know how to answer that question.

        _You don’t wish that was you?_

        His gaze returned to the State House.

        God no. But. Also yes?

        But no. Never. Not that Nora was the problem— Not that he _liked_ Nora in that way— No, not even with _Jenny._

        Old emotions he’d yet to grapple with this time around awoke from hibernation. Regrets. Insecurities. Nick had never been anything like Hancock, not while human and definitely not while synthetic. There was no reason in Hell to start comparing himself to the guy— there weren’t many in the entire ‘Wealth that even could.

        _Go check on her. Tell her it’s past curfew._

        He conceded to the nagging voice and flicked his cigarette to the ground. A knock on the door wouldn’t hurt. Just to say hi.

        ---

        They weren’t in the sitting room. Or in _any_ common area.

        Nick paused at the entrance of Hancock’s bedroom; no light pooled from under the closed door and it was taking a long time for someone to answer his knock. Almost as if they hadn’t heard. He hadn’t pounded terribly loud, but there wasn’t much noise coming from the room to muffle it. Nick lifted his metal hand to see if that’d produce a better sound just as he heard clumsy shuffling.

        Hancock peered out from the dark room, with squinting eyes. “Oh, hey. I wasn’t sure if you were gonna leave us for the whole night or come back or… Well, long story short, she’s asleep.”

        “Oh, is she?” Nick chuckled softly.

        _In his bed?_

        “She, uh...” Hancock blinked, clearly not so lucid himself, “had a little too much. And I think she’s exhausted too.” He stepped out, closing the door behind him before Nick could get a glimpse of the room. “No chems though, don’t worry, man. I know what a piece of work old Marty was— and I still regret sendin’ him your way— I’m not gonna get your new partner hooked on some habit.”

        “Thanks... Guess I’m glad she’s getting some shut eye after a day like today. She has insomnia, y’know, anxiety,” he added. Hancock nodded lethargically. “You, uh... You make sure she gets enough water for me, yeah? She stubborn about that.”

        “Yeah, I know all the hangover tricks.”

        “Alright.” Nick hesitantly stepped back. “G’night then, John.”

        “Thanks, brother, you take it easy,” Hancock replied before slinking back into the room.

        Nick remained in place for a while, staring at the door. Perhaps he hoped Nora would rouse from the noise, climb out of bed and invite Nick in— or better yet, leave with him. But why? She was fast asleep, wasn’t that the best-case scenario? Or maybe she wasn’t, maybe she didn’t want him to come in at all… because they were in the middle of something.

        Nick took an impulsive step forward, but stopped himself.

        “You can’t just go in there and drag her out, what are you thinking?” Nick muttered to himself. Perhaps speaking out loud would bring him to his senses.

        _A drunk woman? With a man who could withstand a horse tranquilizer?_

        “That’s _John_ , you’ve known him for _thirty years_.” The ghoul might be violent, impulsive, and a hedonist— but damn, he wasn’t a _predator._

        He thought he’d squashed these jealous feelings, but they were flaring up with toxic intensity. What kind of friend _was he_ if Nora had a good night and he couldn’t even be happy for her?

        _If you’re gonna be a big wuss about this, then just go to sleep._

        Well, maybe he would. The Den had plenty of room and Kent always answered the door. And there were worse things than having his ear talked off about his least favorite TV show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, the old synth's in a weird situation! We'll see what the morning brings.
> 
> I think "part two" of this will consist of two bigger sized chapters and they'll be up sometime this April after I'm back from a trip. Hope this is a good appetizer until then, and I'm sorry I'm leaving you with Nick feeling so uncomfy. He'll feel better, I promise.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew sorry for the wait, I had a lot of unexpected trials and tribulations in life that prevented me from getting this up before my birthday, but we're here now! And it's a bigger chapter for you. Hope you enjoy it!

        The worst part of powering down was how Nick lost track of time. The second worst part was how it always left him clumsy and confused, as his program booted up asset by asset. By the time his balance came back online, (after Kent nervously nudged him awake), lunch had already passed. Nick jogged his way back to the Old State House and up the winding staircase, as though she’d leave him behind. Hancock’s door was wide open, mid-day sunlight cascading through his stately windows. Nick peered inside and saw the ghoul picking up bottles. Nora herself was nowhere in sight.

        “She’s in the ladies’ room,” Hancock said before Nick could ask. “But she’ll be ready to go when you are.”

        “Ah. Good,” Nick replied casually, trying to cover his frantic arrival. “Not hungover, I take it.”

        “Like I said, brother, I got it covered. Actually, she went out before, a lil after you stopped by. I told her to give you a good-night kiss but she couldn’t find you.”

        “Oh. Sorry I was…” Nick’s eyes moved to the cracked ceiling, coming up with an answer.

        “Off brooding,” Hancock suggested.

        “Not… technically, I just…” _Was having a pity party._ “I’m not always good at being alone with myself.”

        “She’s the same way, isn’t she?” Hancock said. Nick eyed him with interest. “She’s stressed to death, Nicky. You do a lot for her, but, y’know, the gal needs a dose of fun.”

        He nodded. “Yeah, I know— I— That’s what I was tryin’ to do last night for you two—”

        Hancock waved his hand as he approached, “No, no, I’m sayin’ _you_ should go show her a good time. You’re more her speed.”

        Nick stared at him for a moment. “Really?”

        “ _C’mon_ , there’s a reason she hangs around you.” Hancock patted his shoulder. “But listen. She’s...” He lowered his voice. “It’s still all very raw for her. And I know you don’t see it all. I think she wants to be strong for you. She wants to make you proud of her.”

        “I am proud of her. Have been since day one. And I tell her.”

        “You should _show_ her.”

        He shirked away slightly. “How?”

        “Can’t tell you,” Hancock said with a shrug. “You and I speak much different love languages, Valentine.”

        Nick frowned. “Well, that’s presumptive.”

        “Is it?”

        “Fair.”

        ---

        Nora thwacked him with a roll of papers once she found him by the entrance.

        “I’ve been looking for you, you big jerk,” she razzed. Nick smiled, taking the insult gladly now that was she back at his side and in playful spirits. “I couldn’t find KL-E-0 either, I thought maybe you two eloped or something.”

        “Nah, I’m not really into temperamental women if she can blast my head off with her laser-eye.” He glanced at her hand. “What’s with the fliers?”

        “Hancock says the hotel needs a new in-house electrician. The last guy stole from Whitechapel Charlie, and I bet you can guess how that turned out.” Well, the bot _did_ have a flamethrower arm. “He wants me to put up posters on our way home.”

        “Are we goin’ home?”

        “Well, I’m taking Amari’s advice. Besides, _our friends_ said they’d call us, so it’s best we don’t bother them.” They made their way through the gate. “By the way, where’d _you_ go last night?”

        “Oh, client check-in’s, like I said. Visited with Kent—”

        “ _Ahhhh,_ did he reenact a multi-parter of your ‘favorite’ TV show and point out every continuity error?” Nick sighed and Nora laughed. “He’s so cute.”

        “Speaking of cute ghouls…” Nick started and she rolled her eyes. “How was your night?”

        “Pretty good,” Nora said, nonchalant.

        “That’s your review? For a private party with Hancock?”

        She snorted. “Don’t worry, nothing happened.”

        _Good._

        She made a hesitant noise. “ _Well_...”

        _Shit._

        She looked at him sheepishly. “I asked for a kiss and he gave me one. It was sweet.”

        The fact that the philanderer had waited to be asked to make a move _was_ kind of precious. “I know John… and I think he’s keen on you in a way different than he’s used to,” Nick said softly.

        “You think so?”

        He shrugged one shoulder. “I’m not a mind reader, but he usually ain’t so gooey about it.” Nick wasn’t certain why he was trying to push them together when last night all he’d wanted had been to pry them apart.

        “Maybe...” She smiled. “But either way, I’m not... ready for any of that.”

        It was almost a relief.

        “Well, no need to rush things. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you.”

        “At least I can say I’ve kissed a ghoul.” She gave him a sly look and he replied with a skeptical one.

        “Yeah, might wanna keep that to yourself in Diamond City though. But, between friends; what’s the verdict on ghoul lips?”

        “A little weird.”

        “Weirder than how my synthetic ones feel?” he asked unconvinced.

        “Well, _that’s_ a different kind of kiss too.”

        “Oh, well, you got me there,” Nick joked, though he always worried his lips against her warm forehead felt unpleasant.

        Nora pasted a flier onto a boarded up corner window before turning back to him. “Since I gave John a kiss, do you want one too?”

        “No,” he said impulsively.

        Nora’s smile disappeared. “You don’t want a kiss from me?”

        “No!” he repeated. Nora blinked as if he’d insulted her. “I mean— Not that I don’t— not that it’d be bad—”

        _Kiss her._

        Woah.

        “Oops, painted yourself into a corner,” she said with a grin.

        Nick chuckled sheepishly, reeling from the impulse that just surged through his mind.

        “I can— I can tell you learned to use your attorney powers for your own amusement too.”

        Nora laughed. “Sorry. Deacon thinks mind games are really funny, so sometimes I forget to switch it off.” She peered at him with an earnest expression. “But do you want one?”

        “You’re trying to trap me, here, I can’t answer that question and you know it,” he replied and she giggled again.

        “OK, I’ll choose for you,” she said, and left a quick peck on his cheek.

        Nick let out another surprised laugh. “You’re in a mood today, huh? And you ain’t even drunk this time.”

        Her eyes widened. “Oh no, did I do something bad when I was drunk?”

        “No, no, you’re just… unpredictable.”

        “Oh, Virgos hate that, huh.”

        “OK, I should’ve predicted _that_.”

        ---

        “You’re dead! You’re so dead!” the drifter shouted from the third floor of a wall-less building. There was more gunfire.

        “I said _cut it out!_ ” Nick yelled back from behind a rusted semi truck. They weren’t even half way to Diamond City yet.

        “I’m not letting the Institute take me!”

        “We’re just tryin’ to cross the street!” Another barrage. “The other road’s got Muties.”

        “I saw you! I saw the whole lot of you, steel skeletons on patrol!”

        “Are you kiddin’ me?” Nick muttered.

        _They know the Railroad’s on to them._

        “If we leave the way we came will you stop shooting?” Nora called.

        There was a pause. “Fine. _Fine!_ And tell your Institute friends Frankie-O ain’t gonna get snatched so easy!”

        “If you shoot at her so help me God, you’ll regret it,” Nick shouted.

        _Not again. Never again._

        “Just go or I’ll throw a grenade!”

        “Go, go,” Nick said between teeth and Nora scurried back to the alley with her body pressed against the wall. Nick followed, walking backwards so the drifter never left his sight.

        Once out of firing range, they collapsed against an old dumpster.

        “Goddamn idiot thinks that peashooter would take out an assassin,” Nick grumbled, checking his coat for damage. “Lucky for him I would really prefer to keep what’s left of my face intact.”

        Nora laughed as she caught her breath. “Deacon says summer messes with people. They see the heat bounce off the concrete, everything’s moving. Gets them all paranoid.”

        “Yeah, well, he’d know.”

        “Speaking of Deacon, he showed me a shortcut. There’s a chained off courtyard in an apartment complex and it leads to like, five different fire-escapes. Tourists tend to nap there.”

        “A rest sounds nice—” Nick nearly swooned from heat, and he tore his eyes from the pulse again visible on Nora’s glossy neck. “I— I need to air out.”

        Nora lead him through winding backstreets and an abandoned hat shop, then over a wedged car. It was now clear why such a place would be virtually untouched by other wastelanders who didn’t have a map. Once they reached a chain-link gate, she deftly picked the lock— a little _too_ deft, if you asked him.

        “Where’d you learn to do that?”

        “ _Guess_ ,” she said slyly.

        “He’s teaching you all kinds of morally grey skills, huh?” Nick remarked, not hiding the disapproval.

        “Nope— It was Cait.” She simpered. “But I knew you’d think it was a ‘he’ that taught me, you sexist.”

        “Hey. Am not!” he retorted as she giggled. “It ain’t like you follow any men who _don’t_ have some kind of criminal history to them. ‘Cept me. And Preston.” He paused. “I _like_ Preston, why can’t you run with him more often?”

        “‘Cause Preston has a whole militia to look over and the rest are freelance.” She returned her kit to her bag. “I’m sorry you hate my friends.”

        “I don’t hate your friends,” he said with an eye roll. “They’re just the kind of people I used to haul to jail; work habits die hard.”

        She spun around to him. “Now you’re _profiling_ my friends? That’s even worse, Mr. Synth.”

        “Alright, now you’re really makin’ me sound like a jerk.”

        “I’m kidding,” she sung, leaning against him. “I know you have high standards for moral behavior and a lot of us really suck at it.”

        “You don’t.”

        “Don’t what?”

        “… What you said.”

        “I don’t have high moral standards?*

        “The _other_ thing.”

        “Oh my God, you won’t even say _that_ either, you’re so funny. Kids say it.”

        “I ain’t a child.”

        She stared at him. “You know what? You’re right. You’re a distinguished gentleman.” She popped her lips. “But I’m immature.”

        “How ‘bout young at heart.”

        “Aww.”

        She pushed the gate which swung open with a rattle, but not a creak; someone had been maintaining it. Nora stopped halfway, examined the ground, and then gestured for him to squeeze through the opening.

        “Booby trapped for security,” Nora said matter-of-factly. “Not enough to kill, but it’ll drop a can of nails in case some shady foul-mouthed character like me knows how to pick locks.”

        Nick cautiously made his way through. “All that said… Just ‘cause I’m more reserved doesn’t make me more moral.”

        Nora locked the gate behind her. “Sometimes I worry I’m less moral because I have empathy for terrible people, like I did for Kellogg.”

        “I hope you’re not stayin’ hung up on that.”

        “No. But it’s something to think about.” She looked over her shoulder apprehensively. “I wonder how many times I’ve done the wrong thing by thinking pain justifies actions. For me and for others.”

        “Not to be selfish, but I do like that head you got on your shoulders so I hope you don’t change too much.” Nora still appeared worried, so he punctuated it with a smile.

        She gave a small one back, but it faded into something more sardonic. “If I never find myself in another situation where _I’m_ the one making life or death calls, I’ll be fine.” She pressed on through the vines that hung across the alley way. “I’m a lawyer, not a judge, jury, and executioner. I’m just supposed to _plead_ the case.”

        Nick followed her into a rectangular courtyard walled by four story apartments. Someone had built a shack around the remains of a small playground. There was a cooking station and some foldable lawn chairs, and, as Nora had said, many fire-escapes mostly undamaged by the elements.

        “You wanna take a load off while I make myself dinner?” Nora asked.

        “Sure, why not.” Nick pulled a chair into the shade and lowered himself into it. “This ain’t too bad at all.”

        “I wanna cook something nice,” Nora announced, wrapping a headband around her sweaty hair. “Because I deserve it.”

        “That you do, kid.”

        “Hancock gave me some goodies.” She drew them out one by one with gusto. “I got… mac ‘n cheese, I got sausage that is _not_ dehydrated, and real fresh tato bread so I can make it into a macaroni hot dog like I’m nine.” She flashed him a purposeful look and he chuckled.

        After Nora set up all her cooking apparatuses, she stretched and took a deep breath of the air.

        “I feel good, Nick, considering,” she announced. “I wasn’t earlier, but I do now. I dunno why.”

        “We got a scoop for your friends. A big one that Piper would kill to break herself.”

        “I wish I could’ve been the one to see their faces when they hear about _teleportation_ ,” she groaned. “But I guess that’s the benefit of having Drummer Boy’s job.”

        He crossed his arms. “I’m glad they aren’t calling you in right now. Probably would send you on another errand. Let them sort out their jazz for now while you take a well earned break back home.”

        “But we gotta find that science guy,” Nora said, like a hound who couldn’t leave a scent. “The Sea is that aurora I saw the night we lost our lead, right?”

        “Yeah. Who knew it _was_ our lead?” he asked with resignation. Static crept up to the front of his head and he winced. A bit of deja vu made his frame feel odd, but it dissipated just as quickly. Mnemonic echoes, likely. Not surprising that Kellogg’s last mission would trigger a memory. “Hope he didn’t get to the guy first.”

        The summer heat weighed down the aroma of grease and mystery meat seared on her small pan, like a haze of nostalgia.

        _Chop up any wasteland roadkill and stuff it in a casing and who can tell the difference? It all tastes like charcoal, anyway._

        Not that Nick and his once picky taste-buds ever had the misfortune of eating here. Perhaps these were Kellogg’s memories again.

        The pan flashed a flame and Nora squeaked with fright that quickly turned into a giggle. “I’m not used to my road-rations being juicy,” she explained with a smile.

        A searing feeling moved across his own head and his hand instinctively went to his temple. “Ugh, _jeez._ ”

        “You OK?”

        “Headache.”

        “A headache?” Nora questioned with confusion.

        “Or... I mean... The equivalent.”

        Nora rushed forward. “Let me see.”

        “See what?” he asked as she took off his hat.

        “If something hit you during that gunfight.”

        “I hope not.” He bent down so she could see the top of it.

        “No, nothing suspect,” she said, before rubbing her hand fondly over his head. “All nice and smooth.”

        “Cut it out, you’re makin’ fun,” Nick grumbled, though the sensation was oddly satisfying.

        “Nothin’ wrong with being bald,” Nora parried.

        “Hey, it’s an insult to Nick. He had great hair.” He put the hat back on. “Even if stress made it grey around the edges a bit, it was all there. Could hardly get the comb thru it some days.”

        “Honestly Nick, it sounds like you were really hot.”

        “You say that, but I know your type.” Nora narrowed her gaze. “You probably saw me on the bus and thought ‘God, I hope that lug doesn’t try to talk to me’.”

        “ _Nick,_ ” she sighed. “Why are you so mean to that guy?”

        “I dunno,” Nick admitted. “I wasn’t after I met Jen. _As much_. It took me a long, long time to like the guy I saw in the mirror. I internalized a lot of unfair stuff, and so did she. Then one day I wake up and the world’s over and I got _this_ awful mug.”

        “It’s not awful,” Nora said softly, lifting his chin with her hand.

        “When you say that…” The sun cast a halo behind her head, and for a moment he found himself at a loss for words. “Do you mean it?”

        “Yeah. If people are afraid to look at you it’s not because you’re hideous, OK?” She smiled. “If they got close enough, they’d see exactly what I see.”

        “A decrepit old man?”

        “Yeah.” She then laughed and walked back to her chair.

        Something clicked in his mind. The weird jealousy, the fear, the absence being so painful he needed to just stop thinking all together; maybe he felt closer to her than ever. Being plugged into those twin loungers was unprecedented. He had shared a deeply intimate experience with her, one neither of them were expecting. And though it was all so scary, he couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else. He trusted her.

        “Do you wanna... talk about what happened back at Amari’s?” Nick asked. “Not with Kellogg but… between us?”

        “What, us ‘sharing the neural load’?” she joked.

        “It’s OK if you don’t.”

        “I think you have a specific question for me, don’t you?” Nora said softly.

        Nick leaned back in the lawn chair. “You know me good, don’t you?”

        “To answer; I _think_ I saw her,” Nora said, eyeing him with caution. “Her face and her voice were kind of glitched out but…”

        “Oh. So you did see those.” Nick reclined with instinctive embarrassment. “Thought it was just some cross waves in my own head.”

        “Was she a nurse or something?”

        “Yeah. Night nurse. By the time she was gettin’ home I was already startin’ the coffee.”

        Nora gave him a sad smile. “She seems lovely.”

        “Yeah.” Nick stared up at the patch of bright blue sky between the brick buildings.

        She served up her food in silence, but broke it before starting her meal. “You don’t talk about her much,” she said, some hesitation in her voice.

        “Doesn’t feel right,” he replied without a beat. “To talk about a dead woman, from a dead man’s point of view. Technically she’s just a stranger.” Nick gazed at his metal hand, trying to ground himself in reality. “I feel I know her like... something parasocial. Like someone watching an actress on TV.”

        “But you were there.”

        “ _He_ was there. I mean, we saw all Kellogg’s business, but we weren’t him.”

        Nora’s brow furrowed into deep lines. “Nick, that was so different.”

        “Let’s not argue.” Nick exhaled and then fanned himself with his hat.

        Her expression softened. “You hot?”

        “Lil’.”

        “I guess things never change…”

        His gaze narrowed back at her. “You starting that up again?”

        “I mean, now that I saw Jenny it confirms it all.” Nora shook her head. “‘Cause honestly Nick, you had to have been a hottie to get with her.”

        “Stop.” Nick groaned. “She was way out of my league.”

        “Yeah, I know how that feels.”

        “Nonsense.” He looked at her and she was fighting to get a string of melted cheese into her mouth as pasta fell onto her shirt. “He was very worthy of a gal like you.”

        “Are you saying I’m pretty, Nick?” Nora asked slyly, mid-chew.

        Nick smirked. “Don’t let it go to your head now.”

        “I wish you could’ve met him. I feel like you’d get along.”

        “From what I saw, he was goddamn heroic.” Nick leaned forward in his seat. “I’m… I’m real sorry that out of all the broken up memories, that was the one that came through strong.”

        “It’s not like I was blindsided, I mean… It’s Kellogg’s mind, and in his own words; if he hadn’t done what he did, then he wouldn’t be dead right now.”

        _More like if she were dead._

        His thoughts lately had become so surprisingly sharp, like sitting on a tack. Maybe he’d gotten more of an insight into Kellogg’s inner workings than any of them had thought. But as a detective he too could see this angle; how much of Nora’s success was through Kellogg’s own hubris?

        “Oh, I don’t think any sins were his regret,” Nick said, attempting to find a middle ground. “I think he felt he didn’t cover all his bases by gettin’ rid of you too.”

        She stared down at her food. “Maybe I’m still giving him more credit than he’s due.”

        Nick could still say for certain that the hitman was due nothing, especially from her.

        “So how’s… I mean…” Nick shifted awkwardly. “We didn’t get to talk much about _that_ memory…”

        Nora looked up in surprise but quickly returned to her food. “ _Right._ I… I talked to Hancock about it so I think got all my crying out.”

        “Well.” He forced himself to nod. “Well, that’s good.”

        Nora screwed up her mouth in thought. “You’re not inviting me to vent again, are you, you’re asking because _you want_ me to tell you too?”

        _You’re as transparent as cellophane._

        He gripped the lawn chair and took a breath. “I just wanna know how that head of yours is feelin’ about it playing out in the Den that way.”

        “It was traumatizing in the moment— I didn’t look, but still... It felt so real... But... I don’t know. With more distance, maybe it was good that I was there again, outside my body. I don’t know what that means. Maybe because it wasn’t a shock... I think I was just angry this time.” Nora shoved more macaroni on her bread pensively. “And it’s... I’d blocked so much of it out and it didn’t seem real when it happened in the first place. When I first met you, and you were trying to get me to remember, I couldn’t have even recognized Kellogg from a line up. Some days it felt like Nate was going to walk back into my life. Now you and I and Amari all know for sure what happened down there.”

        Nick had been trying to find the way to ask her the question, hoping she would answer it without prompting. To get a second opinion on something she could now relate to. He was just going to have to ask point blank.

        “So you don’t feel... _violated_ at all, do you?”

        Nora cocked her head. “In what way?”

        “That... That I saw your worst memory?”

        “No.” She licked the serving spoon. “Besides, I dunno if that’s the _worst_ memory.”

        “Oh?”

        Her eyes darted to him and she put down the cooking utensils with an uneasy look. “Waking up was worse. That’s something that I… I’ve never talked about with anyone.”

        “Well, we don’t have to go there,” Nick immediately assured.

        Nora shook her head. “I find more and more that I feel better when I just _get it out there_. So.” She pursed her lips. “I… You saw that cyrogenics room… After I pushed my way out of the pod, I stumbled around that Vault, dazed. Shaking uncontrollably. I knelt on the floor, just staring at nothing, just numb and confused... I didn’t even feel in control of my limbs, I thought it was a dream.”

        Nora stood up abruptly and extinguished the fire pit with the boiling water, like she was trying to drown out her own volatile emotions.

        “That... That’s relatable,” Nick confessed.

        “Yeah?” she asked.

        “Yeah. Waking up in a mechanical body? There’s no way that can be real. I must’ve just... passed out on the shrink’s couch.” He shrugged up at her. “But... it just... never ended...”

        She rubbed his shoulder. “I’m sorry. I’m wish I could’ve been there for you.”

        He patted her hand. “Well... you’re here now.”

        “But how do you feel about that? If the shoe was on the other foot, and I saw your worst memory.”

        The circumstances weren’t exactly the same. Nora could consent to her memories being seen, technically, but the old Nick had no say in any of this. The synth really didn’t have the authority to make a decision either way.

        “You’d have to ask Nick,” he said eventually.

        “I’m not talking about him, I’m talking about _your_ memories.” Nora’s gaze was so serious it unnerved him. “There’s no right answer, I’m just curious.”

        “I…” He stared up blankly as the words spilled out. “I think that’d be OK.”

        _Really?_

        He was suddenly bombarded with images, faces he didn’t recognize. These were not Nick’s old memories, for none of them were pre-war, but he didn’t know these people or places. Oh God, _all the blood_.

        What the hell was happening?

        “Did I say something wrong, Nick?” Nora asked. He couldn’t quite make out her face in the noise.

        “Oh, sorry— another… I think I’m remembering things from the mindmeld… but in delay. I just don’t remember seeing all of these in the first place.”

        “Really?” Nora sighed. “I’m sorry— I didn’t want to use you as a guinea pig.”

        “It’s alright, kiddo,” he said as he rubbed his temple. The pain was dissipating now. “Any way I can be useful in this case makes me grateful.” Especially now that she depended on people much more qualified.

        Nora flopped into the chair and resumed eating. “You know, you offering to risk it all for my case was a comfort back before I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you.” She frowned, but Nick couldn’t stop himself from smiling. “It’s not funny, Nick, I know I joke but I really don’t want anything bad to happen to you.”

        “I’m not laughing at your concern, believe me, it’s more touching than you know. But I’m just thinkin’ about how your future beau Hancock will feel if his First Lady already committed to me.”

        Nora rolled her eyes. “OK— From now on, I’m keeping my crushes close to my chest.”

        “Not to be risque, but I think they’d prefer that.”

        Nora nearly spat out her meal as she laughed. “Holy shit, when you go there you make it count.”

        ---

        The pair lounged in their respective lawn chairs, savoring the respite from the heat. This courtyard created a perfectly stagnant climate. Something about the music from the radio and resting with his fedora over his eyes soothed away whatever the hell that headache was.

        “ _God,_ ” Nora said. Nick lifted his brim and saw her peering at her PipBoy. “I was enjoying this shade so much I forgot we still have to climb over to the next street to get back home.”

        “All good things have to come to an end.”

        “That’s OK, I’m actually looking forward to it. Every step gets me closer to my bed.”

        The two began collecting their things at a languid pace. Though there was no breeze to hit them, Nick heard the groan of the fire escape above them. His eyes flashed up in caution, but there was no danger to speak of. Just foundation settling. Metal far older than his rusted bones, deteriorating.

        “Ugh, is that me that reeks again?” Nora aired out her tank collar. He could smell warm coals and nothing worse than a slightly damp human and her chamomile soap. “Must be, huh?” Nick shrugged at her but she continued looking around. “Mmn, there’s a well over here— I’m gonna wash up really quick, I’m uncomfortably sweaty. _God,_ I miss antiperspirant.”

        “You should ask the girls for tips on all that, ‘cause I haven’t sweat in an age.”

        She began pulling off her shirt and Nick swiveled away. He felt at his pockets for a cigarette. He heard her crank the lever, and then the splashing sounds of water being poured over a body.

        _Turn around._

        He nearly did before stopping himself.

        _Go on and look._

        What?

        _Just a peek._

        Disgusting. “Nick Valentine, what the hell is wrong with you?” he muttered.

        “Did you say something?” Nora asked.

        “I was just thinking out loud,” Nick called back.

        _When’s the last time you saw a woman in the buff?_

        What kind of question was—

        _Aren’t you lonely?_

        Of course not.

        There was a flash of a woman’s face.

        _It’s been so long since Sarah..._

        “Who’s Sarah?” Nick asked the ether.

        “Sarah?” Nora replied. “Wasn’t that the name of Kellogg’s wife?”

        “Was it? Huh. Just popped into my head again.”

        Must’ve been something leftover with the cross waves. He likely had a trace of Kellogg imprinted on him the way Nora saw blips of Nick’s memories. It was unfortunate but, hell, sacrifices had to be made, especially for her.

        Nick pulled out his cigarettes.

        _Ugh, Grey Tortoise. The worst brand. No wonder they’re a cap a dozen._

        Beggars couldn’t be choosers, but Four Aces _were_ better. Though throat quality wasn’t really a concern anymore.

        “Hey Nick?”

        Her voice pried him back to the present. “Yeah?”

        “Can you pass me my towel? I got water in my eyes.”

        “‘Course.” He shoved the cigarettes back in his pocket. “You decent?”

        “Not by your standards.”

        Nick kept his sights trained on the ground as he searched for it. All he could see was her bare legs sopping wet in the sunlight, and of course a haze of unfocused tan in his periphery. Once he found it, he closed his eyes and held it outwards.

        _She’s very vulnerable right now, isn’t she?_

        Well, they’d locked the gate, but he’d keep his eyes peeled for ner-do-wells in the windows that weren’t boarded up.

        “Thanks, Nick,” she said as she took it from his hand, and he rushed away, focusing on the tall building instead. “Um… I forgot to ask in the Den but… Did you ever see Shaun in Diamond City?”

        “Not with my own two eyes, but Ellie sure did. I think Nat tried to interrogate him about why he didn’t have to go to school.”

        “Just like a Wright,” Nora laughed. “That’s so weird to think that... he’s that grown.”

        “I’m sorry, hun.”

        “Don’t get me wrong, I think it messed me up and I cried a bit about it to Hancock, but I’m _relieved_ at the same time. He’s alive. He grew up healthy. I had no idea how I was going to rear a baby or toddler in a world like this— he’ll probably be better at being a wastelander than me,” she chuckled sadly. “I just... I know I’m going to be a stranger to him. Some _random woman_ rather than his mommy.”

        “If he’s been slummin’ it with those charming Institute employees, I’m sure he’ll gladly run to the arms of sweet gal like you.”

        She sighed. “You always know what to say, Nicky.”

        _What if you took her and the kid for yourself? Made a little family again?_

        “I had Jen, but we never had a kid. We never even—”

        _It wouldn’t be the same but it was so nice._

        “Nick, were you talking to me?” Nora asked.

        _It was nice just to pretend._

        “... Who _are_ you?” he asked.

        “Who’s what now?”

        The images started again, and he reflexively gritted his teeth. They burned as they flashed, his skull felt too hot. Staticky feelings, but not the good kind. Not the kind that Nora gave him.

        She appeared in front of him, half dressed and wrapped in her towel. “Nick, are you OK?”

        His head swam. “Uh, I…”

        “Are you getting another headache? Bad deja vu?”

        _Don’t say anything._

        He nodded.

        _You cheat._

        “It’s more than that, isn’t it?” Nora asked.

        Another flash of a woman, but she was crying. Screaming? Now he was holding a knife. More blood.

        Nick knelt down, his equilibrium shifting, and Nora sunk with him in concern.

        “These memories... They’re not mine or Nick’s. They’re terrible.”

        “How do you know they’re not pre-war?”

        “I’ve never been to San Francisco— Nick’s a Midwestern boy, never saw the ocean ‘til Boston. And... there’s a woman... she’s not Jenny. I haven’t been with another woman. Especially not like that. _Ugh, I don’t want it_.” Nick pinched the bridge of his nose as he saw an infant shriek in his arms. “That’s not my baby. That’s not mine. It’s not real,” he whispered as unwanted and increasingly disturbing images kept playing like slides.

        “What can I do?”

        The buzzing in his head grew, making it impossible to focus. “Just get them out of my head, they’re making me _sick_.”

        “C’mon, let’s go back. Back to Amari, maybe she can fix this.”

        He squeezed his eyes shut hoping that would stop them.

        “I’m sorry, honey,” she whispered, rubbing his shoulder. The flashes stopped as if Nora’s affection snuffed them out. He looked up at her. “Nick, I’m here. I’m here for you.”

        “Always there when I need you,” he said softly.

        “It’s mutual.” She patted his cheek and that good static crashed against the bad like a tidal wave. “Can you walk?” Nick nodded and she got to her feet. “I’m going to put a shirt on. And then we’ll go.”

        “What about cleaning up after cooking?” Nick asked as his normal senses returned to him.

        “We have more pressing matters than campsite etiquette.”

        “It’s rude, ‘specially if this is Tourist territory.”

        “Nick, you are such a weird guy.” Nora returned with her tank back on and the dishware in her hands. “If I wash this, what can I do for you in the meantime?”

        “I need you to keep me grounded. Keep me in my own memories.”

        “OK. Uh...” Her eyes wandered. “What should we... _Oh!_ How about we sing an old song only we would know?”

        “You’re such a clever thing,” Nick said with dizzy awe.

        “I gotta think of one way before my time too.”

        “Ah, but regrettably cheeky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I wasn't gonna let that totally wasted plot thread from Nick's canon slide without further exploration or explanation, you know me better than thaaaat. I wanted to explore a glitch in the system being kind of like an AI-specific illness, whether that be physical or mental. Anyway, the next one has a thing I'm nervous about and idk why, I guess it's just my own insecurities but you'll understand when we get there.
> 
> Thanks for sticking around even though fic takes me FOREVER these days. <3
> 
> Plugging [my main blog](http://television-for-dinner.tumblr.com/tagged/fic+stuff), my [my art/fanworks blog](http://tommytonebender.tumblr.com). I also have a Writing Twitter that is NOT spoiler free, so follow that at your own risk.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the delay. Wow. Uh. Yeah. It's been A Year and we'll probably just leave it at that for now. It's hard to have the mental capacity to write with any intelligence when you've exhausted your mind and body on everything else.
> 
> This chapter is far overdue for reasons that don't have anything to do with me being behind schedule.
> 
>  **CW** for violent intrusive thoughts and internalized acemisia

        Nora’s voice and questions kept him as grounded as possible, like being talked through a panic attack — a task which he’d unfortunately been no stranger to in his past life. First there were songs; Johnny Hartman, Sarah Vaughan. Once the lyrics and rhythms escaped him, then came the quizzes. Nick listed all her neighbors in Sanctuary, recounted their initial meeting. But he grew more disoriented as time passed, trying and failing to summarize the plot of The Big Sleep. He questioned how much plot there was to begin with.

        “Do you remember that night I woke up and couldn’t find you?” Nora inquired.

        “When?” Nick found it hard to bring air into his synthetic lungs to speak. “Oh. That was so long ago.” He drew in another breath. “Was that when I went off to get firewood?”

        “You tell me.”

        It had been mid-winter when a sudden cold-front caught them off guard on the journey back from an errand at the Castle. Nora had tucked herself behind a wall and fallen wood fence, like a stray waiting out the night.

        “Even when you were sleeping, in the blackness, I could see you shivering under my coat,” Nick began. “Everything was… It was frosty, damp.” He tried his best to send himself there, to pretend the setting sun and over-clocked program weren’t shooting his temperature into oblivion. “I wanted to build you a fire. The biggest one I could... but nothing would hold a flame. It sizzled into smoke. I’ve never felt so worthless in my synthetic life. I… I went to find something dry, maybe furniture, something I could cannibalize to stop you from shaking.” There were dreadful noises in his head that he determined were not of his own memory. Except for the sobs. He knew those too well; the terrible kind that wracked through her body. “When I came back with a broken chair and old magazines, you were crying so hard you couldn’t tell who I was.”

        “I thought you’d left me. That was before I knew you never would.”

        _How long do you think you can keep her to yourself? Seasons change. Humans don’t stagnate, they don’t rust like you do. Just look at her. You think you can tend a fire like that?_

        Nick had been through this before with perps. This nasty voice was trying to provoke him. Kellogg’s nudging suggestions failed, the pleading fell on unsympathetic ears, his threats struck no fear. Now it was deep daggers into Nick’s insecurities. 

        _You know damn well metal can’t keep her warm._

        He felt Nora’s grip tighten, leading him back to her.

        “Remember how my clothes smelled like wood-smoke for weeks?” Nick asked. He saw her nod through the noise. “We couldn’t get it out in the wash. Ellie said it was worse than my cigarettes ‘cause it made her want barbeque every night.”

        Nora giggled. “I never heard about that.”

        “I guess I forget these days. I forget that we didn’t always spend so much time together. Even though we already called ourselves friends we…” Static hit him and he pushed through it. “We didn’t realize we hadn’t scratched the surface of things.”

        “Stick around and who knows where else we’ll go.” Nick could hear the smile in Nora’s voice. And he didn’t know what to blame for the way his legs almost buckled.

        Night had fallen by the time they arrived at the Memory Den. Nick was nearly moving blind, guided by Nora’s hand as more images strobed and the voices got stronger.

        She beat her fist on the door, and a few half-asleep street bums eyed her with contempt. She pounded harder. Finally, Kent Connolly opened the door a crack.

        “Please read the sign, we’re closed for—”

        “Kent, it’s us,” Nora said.

        His hazy eyes widened. “Oh.” The door swung open, and the pair stumbled in. “What’s the problem, did you leave something?”

        “Where’s Amari?” Nora asked as they walked. Kent followed behind, trying to keep up.

        “Uh, she’s around, but we’re closed—”

        “We need to talk to Amari,” Nora said once they reached the main room.

        Irma remained in her chaise lounge, swathed in a long black satin robe and reading a book. “Did she mess something up?” she asked flatly.

        “No, Nick just... I don’t think everything got deleted, and he’s having a hard time.”

        _Don’t do this, don’t throw it away._

        “She went upstairs hours ago, which means she’s asleep,” Irma said.

        _You could have it all. We could have it all. I could help you, both of you._

        “If you could just wake her,” Nora urged.

        “If you could wait till morning—”

        “Please, I’m... I’m scared,” Nick said.

        “Well.” Irma slammed her book shut and stood just as quick. “That’s something I never thought I’d hear. I’ll fetch her immediately.”

        “Don’t be scared, Nick, I’ve got you,” Nora whispered as she stared up at him, seeming bigger and stronger than he’d ever be.

        _Just run. Run away._

        “No,” Nick accidentally thought out loud.

        Nora flinched like he’d scolded her. “No?”

        _If you don’t, I swear I’ll take your gun and—_

        “If you so much as touch her—” His voice changed. _“You’ll what? Shoot me again?”_

        The color drained from Nora’s face as she stepped backward. Kellogg’s voice coming out of his mouth was the proof he needed.

        Nick raised his arms. “Take my gun.”

        “What?”

        “Please kid, take it away from me. Just to be safe.” She scrambled to his side and nervously fumbled the weapon out from its holster. “Thank you.”

        _Fuck you._

        He saw tears in her eyes; it made him feel sicker than any flash of gruesome horror Kellogg could show him.

        “I’m sorry I scared you,” Nick said tenderly.

        “It’s not me I’m scared for.”

        Amari dashed into the room wearing a terry-cloth robe. “Mr. Valentine, what’s going on—”

        “It’s Kellogg,” Nick said.

        “He’s still _in_ there,” Nora added.

        The drowsy look vanished. “I... OK. Please follow me.”

        All five of them rushed to Amari’s basement office. Irma leaned against the door, tense and every line of age suddenly visible. Even Kent peered in, like bystanders at a car-wreck waiting to get called to triage. Amari brought out a mess of wires and began clumsily attaching them to the base of Nick’s head. He’d been plugged into her terminal before, when she fussed with inaccessible memories he’d worried were encrypted.

        “I’m loading up the content log from the last time so I can tell which files are yours and which are from another source entirely,” Amari said, typing frantically. “Please sit down — and mind the cords.”

        _All you had to do was play along. You would’ve barely noticed I was there._

        Nick dropped himself unceremoniously into the lounger and Nora reached out like she could somehow cradle his heavy frame down gently.

        “Stay back, kiddo,” Nick pleaded as he adjusted.

        “I want to be here for you.” She tried to hold his metal hand, but he pulled away in shame.

        “I can’t trust myself—”

        “You could never hurt me,” she declared with utmost confidence, and held it between both her palms.

        _So she thinks you can love. How precious is that,_ Kellogg taunted in his mind.

        ‘Go to Hell’, he thought before it all went to black.

        -—

        It’d been half an hour of wordless staring, no sounds but the radio and the click-clack of Amari’s terminal. Nora had been holding Nick’s hand so long that the metal was becoming hot against her sweaty palms.

        “I can’t deal with this kind of stress,” Irma finally lamented with frustration. “I feel like I’ve lost the bottom of my stomach.” Nora looked up at her, knowing that despite how close Nora was to Nick now, the Lady of the Den had a far-sprawling connection with the synth.

        She’d pieced things together from the bits she’d heard. About a case, this theater, Irma being the rightful owner through a pre-war bloodline and taking it back from those who’d turned it into a chem house. Sounded like the one thing a law degree could be useful for.

        Nick told her how Irma used to dance here. _That_ kind of dance. And that she was the best. It raised all the money for the technology Amari needed to create their proof of concept for ‘Recreational Memory’. Nora couldn’t imagine the shy Nick being present for any of it. But maybe he had, in a far corner, afraid to keep his back-lit eyes on her for too long, making sure no customer tried to do something they didn’t pay for.

        “I’m having a nightcap, and then going to bed,” Irma announced. Amari made a small sound. Irma turned to Nora. “Would you like to join me? For a drink, I mean, I’m not inviting you into my boudoir.”

        Nora laughed. “I think I’ll stay here. I’ve already been drunk two nights in a row, if I do a third it might be my last.”

        “That’s peculiar; Nick hates drunks, especially after Marty.”

        “I’m not _a_ drunk,” Nora parried with amusement. “But after spending nine months without alcohol I still haven’t gotten back to my prime.”

        “Well, I can’t say my tolerance goes farther than a glass of white these days.” She looked around. “Since Kent is our resident night owl, I’ll ask him to bring you ladies some tea.”

        “The strong blend, _please,_ ” Amari implored quietly. “I am running on fumes.”

        After Nora had her tea, she fussed with her PipBoy, playing one of those games that weren’t entirely riveting but would keep her from pulling her hair out. Travis’s voice appeared on the radio, talking about nothing of importance. Amari switched it off with a loud sigh.

        “I know he means well, but every time he speaks I can’t tell if there’s a sale happening or the actual sky is falling.”

        Nora chuckled. “Maybe not the best mood music for a night like this.”

        Curiosity implored her to roll the chair over to Amari’s side. There were lines and lines of data scrolling along the screen; Amari would examine parts of it and then wrote long strings down on a notepad.

        “What is all that?” Nora asked.

        “This... is Nick. This is his everything. Consciousness, written into code. I know what you’re thinking; it’s _boggling_.” Nora nodded silently, unsure how to even process it. “I can’t imagine the minds who could’ve done this, or how many years it took them to figure it out. How to reduce something so complex as an entire brain into something broken down this way.” She took a long sip of her oversized mug.

        “So you... don’t know?”

        Amari gave a soft laugh. “I’m no expert, I’m simply... picking up the books and decoding what I can. Lost technology, as it were, is like an ancient acrolect.”

        Nora watched the indecipherable code continue to move. “Could... Could this be done to me?”

        “Certainly, had we the right equipment. I primarily work in memory rather than personality, so I don’t possess what the Institute used to convert an organic human’s brain into transferable code. I only pry into what they’ve made and look around, alter some things if need be.”

        “Have you ever altered Nick?”

        “Oh. No.” She seemed sheepish. “Not cognitively. Once I dug too far and accidentally deleted files, and I haven’t the nerve to try again. There _are_ a few back-ups of his program though. From long ago, just so I could study him. Learn the language, so to speak.”

        “You’ve fit a few Nick’s on _that?_ ” Nora asked in disbelief. The machine appeared no more complex than what she once had at home.

        “They... do not take up as much space as one would think. The compression technology is absolutely astounding. His new memory files are the largest— His original bare-bones personality program is... minuscule. Again, just... _boggling_ to consider how consciousness seems to be the least complex element of us.”

        “So... could you copy and even transfer him?”

        “Technically, yes. Ethically, I would never.” She turned to Nora with skepticism. “Why?”

        “Just... I dunno... To make sure nothing bad ever happens to him.”

        She gave Nora a small smile. “Life insurance, in a sense?”

        “Yeah,” Nora breathed. Nick wasn’t delicate, but she wasn’t used to her newfound need to protect him in ways _other_ than emotionally.

        “Yes... a world without him would be a darker one indeed. He does so much, and asks for so little.” Amari turned back to the code. “Speaking of which; has he complained of anything lately? Sensory, that is, not mechanically.”

        “Sensory?”

        “Yes, as in... ability to sense between hot and cold. Ability to feel pressure— These I can modify without worrying about data corruption. The thing you’ll discover about synths is they’re highly customizable. Even the Gen 3’s. Their bodies may be organic like ours, but you can tune their taste buds or pain receptors to zero or one hundred by playing with the program.”

        “Are you saying you’ve customized Nick?”

        “More like... re-calibrated. Things regarding over-stimulation, or lack of. He used to say that the air felt... sharp. So I turned down his skin sensitivity. He missed the warmth of smoke on his tongue, so I turned that up. Etcetera.”

        Nora blinked as her mind processed it. “Wow, that’s...”

        “Hmm?”

        “Maybe I’m jealous.”

        Amari chuckled. “Well, he wishes he didn’t need _me_ to do so. Unfortunately, I don’t know what part of the program locks him out from fine tuning his own body to his preferences, in the same way it lets a more primitive Gen 2 turn up its hearing apparatus. They wanted their synth assassins to hear a pin drop if need be, and yet often I must speak louder for him to hear.”

        “Could you... make him ticklish?”

        She peered at Nora. “ _T_ _heoretically_. Though I’m uncertain he even possesses such a reflex. But why?”

        “So I can have something to threaten him with when he annoys me.”

        Amari gave another small laugh. “He has a deadzone on his back, so you’d have to get him somewhere else. Maybe behind the ears.”

        “I’m just joking,” Nora said sheepishly. “But I didn’t know about the deadzone.”

        “Damage to the sensors due to trauma. He is a human matrix and our reflex is to turn away from combat, you know? He’s amassed _quite a bit_  of sensor damage, which I suppose comes with age and the work he throws himself into.” 

        “Can you fix that?”

        “I mainly turn things off manually if asked. Makes me feel like a medical doctor, almost.” Nora raised her brows imploring Amari to continue. “In his words, it’s as if I’m treating pinched nerves, or over sensitive scar tissue. Of course, it never goes away completely — my knowledge only goes so far.” She appeared a bit discouraged. “And I can do nothing about those receptors that went offline on their own.”

        “He’s lucky to have someone as smart as you who even tries,” Nora encouraged. Amari shrugged one shoulder. “So we _all_ get aches and pains we can’t fix. What a great equalizer.” Nora sighed. “Guess being a robot isn’t as ideal as I thought it’d be.”

        “No. He’s deprived of most of our pleasures, while still saddled with the worst parts of living.” Amari paused. “ _Forgive me._ I get so caught up in the technical wonder that he is, I find myself breaking some sort of doctor-patient confidentiality.”

        “You weren’t talking about him, you were talking about your skills,” Nora said slyly. “But now at least I know that when he complains about stairs, he means it for real.”

        “Yes… Now that he has someone like you around, it will be interesting to see what happens,” Amari mused.

        “What do you mean?”

        “He lives his life in constant service to give himself an excuse to keep going. I wonder how things will change once he starts living for himself. You’re not an obligation for him... you’re someone he wants to follow. He’s never followed before.”

        Nora felt herself turn flush, and she took a breath. Hancock had said something extremely similar the night before. She wasn’t the kind of person who fooled around casually like the ghoul— she did nothing at all until Nate showed he was serious about commitment— but when Hancock shared that sentiment it was like he was trying to douse any flames that were firing up after their kiss. And all she could think of was Nick. Out there, somewhere, on the streets alone. Waiting to be called back to her side. So he could go wherever she’d lead.

        She looked over her shoulder and hoped Amari would sort him out soon. There was no bright future without that loyal synth in her life.

        -—

        The room shifted from vague pixels into a sight more familiar. Nick’s fingers twitched against the armrest as he let out a prolonged exhale.

        “Welcome back, Mr. Valentine,” Amari said, somewhere outside his vision.

        His mortal relief was akin to the day he’d woken up in a hospital sans bullet. 

        “Glad to _be_ back, doc,” Nick breathed.

        “ _Good._ You know who I am.” She rolled the chair next to him as he sat up. “Do you know why you’re here?”

        “To get that bastard out of my head.”

        “And as far as I can tell... success.” Her weary eyes were bloodshot. “It took me hours of manual digging through zeros and ones but I found the problem. Your temporary backups duplicated themselves once she tapped into your mind, writing Kellogg into it as if his brain was an additional drive of sorts.” She paused and looked over to Nora sleeping on the couch. “Do you know her?”

        “Of course. She’s my... my Nora.” Nick’s vision filled with static again and he tried to blink it away. “I... I feel like you could delete a thousand files and I’d never entirely forget that face.”

        Amari took a thoughtful breath and scooted closer. “Mr. Valentine. May I ask you something very personal?” she inquired in a hushed voice.

        Nick felt diffident, but Amari was too clinical to ask something callow. “Shoot.”

        “Are you in love?”

        He stared at her, confounded. His gaze dropped to the floor. “Oh... That’s a loaded question.”

        “How so?”

        “I dunno if I _can_.”

        “If you have loved before, surely you are capable now.”

        “ _Even then_ , I don’t know,” he admitted hesitantly.

        Amari looked at him with bewilderment. “You weren’t in love with your fiancée?”

        “Of course I was,” he said in a rushed whisper.

        “I’m sorry—” She rubbed her eyes. “I’m tired and confused and you’re not making sense— _Ar_ _e you sure you’re alright?_ ”

        “What I mean is…” Nick sighed, wondering why he was even talking about this when he’d thought he put it all behind him. “The whole thing has always been confusing for _me._ Jen was my moon, my stars, _a goddess_ in my eyes. But even so I couldn’t..." He lowered his voice further. “ _Physically... I...”_

        “Perhaps you preferred men?”

        “Even then, same old story.” Nick recalled how his human-self squirmed when grilled about his ‘intimacy issues’. “There was always a block. I loved Jenny more than anything, more than life, but still I...”

        “So you are asexu—”

        “Don’t—” He held up a hand and winced— “say that word.” Nick’s eyes darted to Nora, praying she wasn’t conscious enough to overhear.

        “Mr. Valentine, I know you are from another era, but if there was a stigma then there is none now. Your model of attraction is as perfectly natural and acceptable as any.”

        Frustration washed over him. “Won’t you just let it be? It doesn’t matter how I feel. I’m a tin can, Amari. I guess I was always a robot.”

        “Nicholas… those are cruel words,” she said gently. “You never spare yourself the compassion you show others. Isn’t there something you like about yourself?”

        “There’s a lot to admire about Nick. I dunno which parts I can claim for myself.”

        “Everything, in my opinion.”

        He shook his head. “I’ve taken lives out here. Without remorse. Nick would never—”

        “Of course he would’ve,” Amari said firmly. “Anything he was capable of, as are you. Take that as you will from a personality expert.”

        Nick sighed. “Nora and I... We have something. Something I’ve never had with _anyone_. And I’m not talking romance, doc, I’m talking... kinship.”

        There was a pause. “Whatever the nature of it... It brings you happiness?” Amari asked. Nick nodded. “Then that’s all that matters, isn’t it? If only everyone were so blessed as to find their soulmate.”

        “I dunno if I’m allowed to have one of those either,” Nick lamented.

        Amari frowned. “And why not?”

        “Well, considering I’m just code on your screen... Ain’t _got_ a soul.”

        “Perhaps Nick Valentine was always supposed to meet his Nora,” she said. “Perhaps the universe had to course correct itself to make certain you did, even when _he_ was no longer in it.”

        Nick gaped at her. For once he couldn’t find a way to counter it.

        “S’Funny to hear _you_ say such unscientific jabber like that, doc,” he said softly.

        “Well, I likely have one foot in dreamland at this point, thanks to you,” Amari teased. “So I’m going to turn in. If I don’t see you in the morning, consider this my send off.” She patted his shoulder. “Be a little kinder to yourself. For her sake, if not yours.”

        Nick watched Amari leave and then looked back to Nora. She hadn’t moved and her mouth hung open like she’d fallen asleep mid-yawn. He chuckled to himself as he rose up and made his way over. Nora’s arms were wrapped around her body — and come to think of it, it was a tad chilly in this basement for a human. He draped his coat over her, but as he did, she twitched and blinked her eyes open.

        “Nick,” she whispered in relief and sat up.

        “Hey, you don’t have to get up.”

        She sunk back down. “Are you OK—” she wiped her mouth— “I fell asleep—”

        “Yeah I’m fine.” Nick crouched next to her. “It was just, y’know, conflicting personality files.”

        “Do you think he could’ve taken over?”

        “In hindsight, I doubt it,” he said lightly. “It was just echoes that got stuck. A subroutine. Like... intrusive thoughts. You know how those work right?” She nodded. “If he really wanted to do something he’d’ve done it, not just made empty threats. He wasn’t entirely sentient either, he was just... like me. Data trying to make sense of itself.”

        “You’re more than that, Nick.”

        “And sometimes you make me think maybe it’s true.”

        She adjusted the pillow. “I made up my mind while you were asleep.”

        “‘Bout what?”

        “I don’t feel bad about Kellogg. Not after this. I’m sorry you had to go through that,” she said, squeezing his forearm again.

        “Thank you for being there for me,” Nick said.

        “Where would I ever go?” Nora drew away and nuzzled into his ratty coat like it was something luxurious. “We’re just two pre-war kids in this together.”

        He smiled, something wholly reassuring about her speaking their bond, knowing that her affinity had not changed even when attractive and fascinating men had made their fondness known. “We’ll try again in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we dropped the a-bomb here, didn't we. Yes I have it in my tags and it's been all implied, but I figured it was time to actually use the word when I was certain no one would run away. Like, you all came this far, I can't scare you away now. And I thought it was best to give some more context into how Nick navigates his relationships (or why he avoids them) and how it goes further than "well no one wants a robot".
> 
> Anyway... Not gonna make promises on WHEN the next installment will be up, but just know I have 5k of rough confusing notes and such to go through and I'm probably gonna get a little over ambitious again because u kno me lol
> 
> Plugging [my main blog](http://television-for-dinner.tumblr.com/tagged/fic+stuff), my [my art/fanworks blog](http://tommytonebender.tumblr.com). I also have a [Writing Twitter](http://https://twitter.com/retr0vertig0) that is NOT spoiler free, so follow that at your own risk.


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